A New Normal

Sandpiper is a good symbol for problem-solving and going great distances to achieve your goals, either physically, or geographically.

I am the pastor of two churches. I sat in a bible study last night with one of my churches where the topic of discussion was a bible verse that seems to suggest homosexuality is to be hated by God followers. I shared how the verse was misunderstood, but the underlying disdain of the LGBTQ community was paramount. I shared the same bible study with a different group from a different church earlier in the day with a very different reception. I didn’t have the courage to share with the group last night, like I did earlier in the day with the other church, that as their pastor, I am a member of the LGBTQ community - I am a queer man.

The news was received by the first church that day, but certainly no opportunity for authentic dialogue was welcomed at the second.

I came out of the closet as a queer man years ago to my wife and family and realize that I have great distances to go as I attempt to fully live an authentic life. I look to the example of a sandpiper to go to the great distances it will take to achieve this.

Not everyone is comfortable talking about my community. Every time I call home, my mom wants to love me as her queer son, but doesn’t feel comfortable talking about me being queer.

I love my mom and she definitely accepts knowing that I’m not straight, but she fumbles with saying “queer.”

“I don’t like that word!” she usually interjects when I correct her that I do not readily identify as gay. That’s not to say I wouldn’t date other men if I were single, but the label, “gay,” does not encapsulate the entirety of how I experience my gender and sexuality. I like boys, I like girls, I like people who don’t necessarily identify as either. I have been in a loving marriage to a woman for 38 years, but even my wife understands and suggests who’s to say that couldn’t change? My mother’s discomfort, I assume, comes from the context of the word queer when she was growing up, when it was used as an insult. But now, a whole slew of people have adopted the word as an identity label. So what does queer exactly mean, and how did it go from a homophobic slur to an all-inclusive adjective?

Within the context of identity, “queer” began being used as a slur against gay men and some lesbians during the mid-20th Century. In the 1990s, writers began renaming the collection of the fields of gay, feminist, and other sexual or gender identity-based study under the colloquial moniker of Queer. So the notion of reclaiming of “queer” from slur to identity label was not birthed until resistance movements fought for gay visibility during the initial HIV/AIDS crisis with chants of “We’re here! We’re queer! Get used to it!”

Understandably, there are those from an older generation who do not see the power in reclaiming this word as they were hurt by it’s utterance. It is important to acknowledge that there are some of these members of the LGBTQ community for whom this word was weaponized against them. Too often the word was used in conjunction with other acts of violence and anger against an individual.

To some, Queerness lives within that space of contextual otherness —  deviating from prescribed heteronormativity (the idea that heterosexually is the “default” or “correct” sexuality and anything else of odd or strange). A good example of how to understand this is to look at this from the perspective of compulsory masculinity, wherein men are expected to dress, behave, and act in a certain way.  Men who choose to deviate from this put themselves at risk of being “corrected” by other men whose conception of their own masculinity relies on the Other. To this end, queerness can be seen as an oppositional force against these powers-that-be. But in reality, queerness is fighting for the freedom from these power structures and being able to live authentically as one chooses.

What is equality worth when you are only allowed to act or present in one specific way?

Often times, navigating queerness feels like playing a game; how you play your cards (or in the case of a queer person, hold your cards close to the vest) determines whether or not you get harassed just for being real; whether coworkers or employers will take you seriously. The most mundane chores of everyday life, living “under the radar,” or “straight-passing” can determine the outcome of your very own personal safety and hence, “closets” are built for protection.

For me, these experienced me questioning my everyday existence for five decades. Did my voice sound effeminate when I ordered my coffee this morning? Did I sissy that walk a little too much on my way to the train? Should I block my homophobic friends on Facebook? Could anyone tell that the jock/lady’s man vibe I built around myself for decades was in fact fake?

It may be disheartening to discern that Queer has no solid or accepted definition within the LGBTQ community, but looking elsewhere yields poorer results. The first four definitions of “queer” in the Merriam Webster dictionary are “odd, strange, weird, unconventional; questionable suspicious.” The ones thereafter don’t vary much, even within a gay context. I think the term “unconventional” hurts the most.

Unfortunately, when one feels that the world around them would see them as odd or strange or weird or unconventional” just because they are being authentic, living a productive life seems impossible. This is where the counterfeit life, the closeted life, is built. This counterfeit life is filed with good character attributes by the one who lives in their closeted world, but that would does not reveal the tru authentic person created by a loving God.

I think that while there is a lot that divides queer people of all identities and there are many variations of queerness/gayness, our shared queerness can still be a space to come together.

For me, I love the term as a definition of empowerment.It’s a term that allows me to not only tolerate “otherness” but embrace disparities.

I am a Christian. When christianity was first revealed in the world, it was a very derogatory term. With reference to being queer, what was once a pejorative term has become something beautiful, at least to me.

After all, being queer is just being your true, authentic, unique, self.