How I Got Here

I came out of the closet a few yers ago. I have been processing my identity for a long time and am in no way finished processing. As a result of my processing, I now understand and realize more and more my desire to live into the fullness of who God made me to be and as much as I process, I understand and accept that, I am not processing this in isolation as you are now processing too.

In writing to you now asking you to consider processing this with me and this way allowing us to be on the same page with to how we process this as we move through, hopefully together.

How did we get here?

Living an inauthentic life with this level of self-hatred in a self-imposed self hatred is exhausting. That’s life in the closet. That and it’s very hard to love others when you don’t love yourself. I have experienced that this closeted is lonely; no one loves you there and have decided that I have no desire to continue to live in that world. I am sorry that you never knew that world existed for me until now.  I truly feel I understand more of how much God loved me in my closet even though I wasn’t joining God in loving myself. I have asked God for forgiveness for hating something God so much loves — me.

Clarifying terminology might help our conversation. Understanding what LGBTQIA+ stands for might help how I have come to understand and accept who I am. The first three letters of the acronym (LBG) refer to one’s sexuality while the remaining letters (TQIA+) refer to one’s identity. There is a difference. I found these definitions online:

GAY is the adjective used to describe people whose enduring physical, romantic, and/or emotional attractions are to people of the same sex.

QUEER however is an adjective used by some people whose sexual orientation is not exclusively heterosexual. Some people may use queer, or genderqueer, to describe their gender identity and/or gender expression.

TRANSGENDER, on the other hand, is an umbrella term used by the community for people whose gender identity and/or gender expression differs from what is typically associated with the sex they were assigned at birth.

When I first came out three years ago I proclaimed that I was gay. I wrestled with that label. Through therapy and a lot of self reflection, I have come to realize and accept my true identity. As far back as I can remember, I have felt like a woman trapped in a man’s body. I identify as Genderqueer/Gay. The level of self-hatred for feeling this way has been remarkable. I have been very angry with God for making me this way and throughout my life tried many things to run and hide from my identity and the pain it caused me.

Socialized into thinking that being queer is somehow “bad,” “wrong,” or “immoral,” caused me to develop an internalized homophobia. I grew up in a world where being transgender or even gay was unthinkable and so knowing that’s who I was caused me much pain. I lived a life where I did not belong and did not fit in either the “straight world” or the “gay world.” This painful feeling, this constant identity crisis, is what led to me self-disgust, self-hatred, and contempt for the more open LGBTQIA+ members.

I’m tired of living in shame. As difficult as coming out it destroys that world of shame. I cannot love with my truest self when my truest self lives in a debilitating isolated world of shame.

I was raped when at age 10. This event did not cause me to feel the way I do today. It was nothing more than a traumatic and emotionally painful event. I processed that event much differently when I was a child than I do now as an adult. Nobody can be turned into a gay/queer/lesbian/transgender person because of a traumatic event. I was born this way. Although that horrible event has nothing to do with my gender identity or sexuality, the rape and emotional damage it caused to my adolescent emotions has a great deal to do with how I desire acceptance and approval of others today. It damaged how I process pain and shame as well.

I have an inner child that still seeks approval and comfort due to this previous trauma. This need for approval has a great deal to do with my fear of being rejected ridiculed as a person all because I am transgender and so I lived in a closet for decades. That inner child needs attention occasionally.

I imagine my rape coupled with a homophobic midwest society I grew up in enabled me to believe I could somehow shut off my true self and live in a closet of shame due to my identity forever. I tried all my life to do exactly that and squelch a lasting desire to live a life that matched or expressed my true identity. It didn’t work. I knew how I felt then and am it is the same as I feel now and that is I would be happier living my life as a woman. I tried to force that feeling to go away, stuffing in the back of the closet, but I no longer value the comfort of the closet. In spite of my gender dysphoria, I have learned to love who I am rather than who I think the world should accept me.

So where are we now?

I am convinced that authenticity is the foundation of all close relationships.  I want to be closer to the ones I love. Love me or not, I would rather my loved ones know the real me — the authentic me.  As I contemplated sharing a lifelong secret in coming out I learned in my research that pride is the opposite of shame.  This is where parades and celebrations for LGBTQ get their name — a life of not living in shame. Shame contributes to what keeps queer people feeling separate from others and ourselves and in hatred of our true self.

I didn’t intend to completely destroy the life I have built by coming out of the closet, because I recognize the pain my wife and kids will go through in losing a father figure or husband. The reality is, I’m still me and have every intention to rebuild a more quality life of authentic love of self, which enables me to love authentically. I know that there will be repercussions of friendships and such, but I’m not at all worried about those relationships; they will survive if they are meant to survive. Know that I love the relationships I have built, but if some are uncomfortable with my authentic self, then I completely understand and support their decision to step away from furthering our relationship, because I don’t intend to step away from my true self any longer.

So where does this lead?

I imagine I will transition from male to female in some way. Although I don’t know exactly what that means or how and when that begins, I have decided that if coming out pushes me towards a life goal of authentic love of self, then there is no turning back. This is me and I’m no longer sorry for that. I do regret that this decision hurts my loved ones, but it is a transition that needs to take place.

All I am offering you in sharing this letter is that I love you and hope you can love me for who I authentically am rather than the me I constructed myself to be.