Delaying Life
I’m at a point in my life where I realize that for me to continue in my transition could introduce me to some significant loss. If I lost everything around me, would that be the end of me? Would it be the beginning of me? How could I possibly know the difference?
I feel as though I've lost my biological family. I'm still very close to my younger brother, but even he doesn't understand the depths of pain that I've lived in my life. He's a good man. And I love him. My older sister and older brother struggle to express their true feelings. At least, I want to think that. I have experienced tremendous love from them, but their love is unavailable when I need it most. And that makes me sad.
I don't mourn the loss of family today. Instead, I fear the future that has yet to be mapped out. Yes, I understand that control is an illusion. But for someone who has attempted to plan out future steps as best as I can, I'm afraid of the cost.
Is that the primary factor when making decisions? Is the cost of a decision factor in two processes more than the positive results? I love who I have become. I love the more profound empathy that I have developed. As a pastor, I am far more pastoral in how I handle situations today, with estrogen pumping through me more so than testosterone. I love that about me. Continuing in my transition may take a toll on that which I have held dear—family.
Loving yourself is a fundamental part of maintaining your well-being, and in many cases, it's essential to love and care for others effectively. The question of whether it's "wrong" to love yourself more than your family is complex and often depends on context, relationships, and how one defines love and priorities.
I have learned that self-love is foundational. My intellect can understand this, but my heart is slow to accept it. Self-love is not considered selfish but rather the foundation for healthy boundaries, emotional stability, and resilience. It enables you to set boundaries that protect your mental and emotional health, which is especially important if family dynamics are challenging or toxic.
In many cultures and religious teachings, there's an emphasis on loving and honoring one's family. However, these teachings often include the importance of self-respect and self-care.
Jesus didn’t directly command us to “love ourselves” in how we think of self-love today, but he did touch on concepts that imply the importance of a healthy sense of self-worth. The most relevant teachings are found in passages about the Greatest Commandment, particularly in the synoptic Gospels.
Matthew 22:37-39 (NIV): Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”
Mark 12:30-31 (NIV): “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”
In these passages, Jesus emphasizes loving God first and foremost, followed by loving one’s neighbor as yourself. The phrase "as yourself" is vital—it assumes a baseline of self-care and self-regard. The love you offer others should reflect the care and dignity you extend to yourself.
Jesus’s commandment suggests that how we treat others should mirror ourselves. It becomes difficult to genuinely extend love to others if one doesn’t care for or value oneself. This isn’t about self-centeredness but having a balanced, healthy view of oneself, allowing for compassion toward others.
It implies that recognizing your worth and practicing self-care isn’t just acceptable—it’s a necessary starting point for the kind of love Jesus envisions for our communities.
For a closeted genderqueer person like myself who desires to live authentically, loving oneself can be incredibly challenging and deeply significant. It involves embracing one's identity fully, recognizing the inherent worth and dignity of who they are, and taking steps toward a life that aligns with that truth, even when external pressures or fears make it difficult.
In essence, loving yourself as a transgender person means cultivating an inner space where your identity is affirmed, honored, and celebrated—by you, even if not yet by others. It’s a process of nurturing self-compassion, embracing your identity, and taking steps toward the life you desire, one that reflects your most authentic self. And I’m working on that.
Self-love begins with accepting who you are, including aspects of your identity that may feel difficult to acknowledge due to fear of rejection or judgment. This means recognizing and embracing your queerness as a fundamental part of who you are rather than something to be hidden or suppressed.
It involves understanding that being queer is not a flaw but a beautiful and integral part of your identity. It is about seeing your entire self—your desires, feelings, and experiences—as valid and worthy of love.
Luke 9:23 (NIV): “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”
This call to self-denial is sometimes interpreted as a contradiction to self-love. Still, it's more about setting aside selfish desires for a greater purpose—following Jesus’s example of sacrificial love and service. It’s not an invitation to self-neglect or self-hatred.
The focus is on aligning with God's will, sometimes requiring sacrifices. But it doesn't mean we should disregard our worth or needs.
It was decades ago that I found myself walking in downtown Philadelphia in the middle of the night. I did a lot of business in Philadelphia, and the person I was working with booked us in an ecologically friendly hotel. What that meant for me was that there was no smoking in the hotel, and the hotel gift shop didn't have any cigarettes. I was out of cigarettes. I was walking in downtown Philadelphia, trying to find the nearest place where I could find cigarettes.
I remember standing on a street corner, and a scripture verse came crashing into my head. I'm a pastor now, but at the time, I was an investment banker trying to put together a couple of deals in Philadelphia. Diversity crashed into my head in Luke 9:23. The words came into my head. I had never memorized these words before, but I felt in my head Jesus saying to me, ‘Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up the cross daily and follow me.’
When I returned to the hotel room, I had to look it up. At the time, I thought God was telling me that I should quit smoking, and so I did. I would later realize that the verse given to me meant so much more. This verse stuck with me to the extent that I felt a call in my life to leave the investment banking world and enter the ministry, leaving my previous career behind.
Today, I wonder if denying myself and trusting God differs from what I imagined. I have protected myself for decades, living in a closet for my fear of someone finding out who or, worse, what I am. I protected myself out of fear, ridicule, and hatred. The world’s homophobia created in me a hatred of self, defined by the world around me, which in turn defined what I thought about myself. God loved me, and I did not.
So this verse that came crashing into my head so long ago told me to deny myself. That might also mean denying how I thought I needed to protect myself. God loves me for who I am. I am learning to love myself for who I am. Perhaps it's finally time I let go of allowing other people to define who I am.
I still do that when I hesitate to continue with my transition.
I find myself in a position today where I am protecting the world's vision for me when I don't value that vision of myself at all.
I do that; I love myself as I am. I love who I am becoming. It's time. Many in the Christian community will suggest platitudes of “let go and let God.”
I let go of one fear when I came out of the closet years ago. But I have held on to the fear executing the letting go part.
It's time just to be me — Ava.