Secrets and Shame
We all have secrets—starting with the childhood pinky swears and continuing into adulthood. As we grow, the need to keep certain things hidden doesn’t go away, but the weight of those secrets can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and regret. Whether it's hiding shopping bills from a partner or keeping quiet about a promotion because a friend just lost their job, the psychological effects of secret-keeping are real. Research has shown that holding onto secrets can lead to negative outcomes like depression, anxiety, strained relationships, and even poor physical health. You’re not alone if you’ve noticed how stressful secrets can be.
Why Do Secrets Make Us Feel Bad?
Recent research, including a study from Columbia University, points out that the distress isn't so much in the act of keeping the secret itself but in the constant mental replay of the information we're hiding. The more we ruminate on a secret, the more it takes a toll on our physical and emotional well-being.
As our minds wander, secrets start to consume our mental and emotional energy, explains Michelle Felder, LCSW, MA, founder and CEO of Parenting Pathfinders. “The guilt and shame we feel can lead to a deep sense of fear of what others would think if the secret was revealed,” she says.
The Type of Secret Matters
Of course, the nature of the secret plays a significant role. Keeping a surprise party under wraps is one thing, but covering up a family member’s infidelity is quite another. According to Elizabeth Fedrick, PhD, LPC, owner of Evolve Counseling & Behavioral Health Services in Phoenix, Arizona, when we betray someone's trust by keeping harmful secrets, we often feel remorse because we know how damaging the truth could be. “Fear plays a big role in creating feelings of shame because we often imagine the worst-case scenarios of what might happen if our secret comes out,” she notes.
Guilt vs. Shame: How They Differ and Why It Matters
Guilt and shame are often used interchangeably, but they’re not the same. Guilt is a specific reaction to something we’ve done, like feeling bad after cheating on a test. Shame, on the other hand, is a more pervasive feeling that something is wrong with us as a person, even if we haven't done anything wrong. Felder explains, “Guilt describes a feeling that there’s something wrong with what you did, whereas shame describes a feeling that there is something wrong with you.”
When it comes to secrets, guilt and shame lead to different reactions. For example, if a friend confides in you about interviewing for a new job and asks you to keep it a secret, you might feel guilty for withholding information from others who are curious. However, if the secret involves something dishonest, like lying on a résumé, you might feel guilty for being complicit in the deception.
We tend to dwell more on secrets that cause shame because they can erode our sense of self-worth. “Feeling guilty about a secret, on the other hand, gives us space to make different choices,” says Felder. While shame can make us feel powerless and stuck, guilt can motivate us to take actions that align more with our values.
How to Keep Secrets from Harming Your Mental Health and Relationships
Living with secrets can lead to anxiety and distress, so it’s important to consider how much they matter to who you are today. Felder suggests rethinking secrets as reflections of past choices rather than as core aspects of your identity. This shift can make secrets less taxing on your relationships and mental health.
Sometimes we keep secrets out of habit rather than necessity. Dr. Fedrick advises against putting yourself in situations where you have to keep harmful or malicious secrets from loved ones. It might be necessary to set boundaries with people whose secrets make you uncomfortable. It’s okay to tell a friend that you don’t want to be involved in certain conversations.
If you find that secrets are affecting your well-being, consider talking to a mental health professional who can help you process your feelings. Journaling can also be a helpful outlet. And as long as your intention isn’t to hurt someone else, sharing a secret with a trusted person can relieve the burden. You don’t have to carry it alone.